Upon hearing that plane tickets were ridiculously cheap to San Fransisco, I was quickly reminded of the time I was last there. I vividly remember walking down historic streets of the city…and being hit on by every man I came across. There were men all over me.
It’s tough being the king.
I hate this place. Why? Because I get absolutely no cell phone service here. Stupid AT&T.
I feel like I’m living in a 3rd world country or something, seriously.
Only in a 3rd world country would I get reception this horrible
Where am I, Africa?
Today, I woke up and decided that I wanted a bike. Not a bicycle, but a motorcycle. Imagine this, wide open road, hair flying into the wind…and gorgeous woman holding on for dear life behind me.
Just think how cool it would be having a hog between your legs.
I don’t trust a lot of people, especially women. You can never trust a woman.
The only woman you can trust is your own mother.
AND THAT’S IT.
This is how a real man eats caviar:
Step 1: Kill your enemy
Step 2: Take his skull, place diamonds on it and remove top
Step 3: Place caviar inside the skull (like a bowl)
Step 4: Enjoy caviar
Step 5: Polish off the sweet taste of victory with some vodka.
As a celebration of the 10th Elvis Chronicle, I’ve decided to post a picture of myself.
Ok, just kidding. That’s not me, it’s the one and only King of Rock & Roll. The only difference between him and me is that he has a tan that would make mice of men.
Tanning salon, anyone?
Today, I saw a boat on Craigslist for only $15,000! My co-workers think I’m crazy but c’mon, it’s a BOAT. Plus, it’s got a sweet tv on it.
Besides, women don’t take their clothes off for nothing.
While I spend a majority of my day couped up in this office, I also work another job as a part time valet. Last night, a couple pulled up in a brand new Lexus. They gave me the keys so I could park their beautiful new car and as I went in, I smelled something in the air. It smelled so glorious that I had to find its origins. To my delightful surprise, inside the center console was a smorgasbord of smoke-able green substances. Without any hesitation, I took “some” home with me, positive that they probably wouldn’t notice.
Payday came early fellas.