In an effort to add unique and useful content to this site I have decided to create a “How to… “series. I understand that there are plenty of places to go on the web to for this type of information; however I believe that the information that I plan to post will truly be “unique” to a majority of the users who read it. With that being I said I will write my first “How to…” article:
*Please note: All of my How to… articles are written from personal experiences. Seriously!
How to do a Class Presentation… WASTED!
Required Materials:
Must Be 21 yrs old* Do not attempt this unless you are at least 21 years old
College Classroom that is walking distance from your home or apt.
Group Presentation
Care Free Attitude
Breathe Mints or Gum
Shot Glass
Bottle of Taaka Vodka
Taaka Vodka as close as you can get to Grey Goose for $6.50
Now that you know everything that is required for this to work I will give you step by step instructions:
Step 1: Wake up @ 7 am. Drive to nearest liquor store. Purchase a fifth of Taaka Vodka.
Step 2: Drive Home. Take out a Shot glass. Pour the Vodka into the shot glass. Drink shot. Gag a little. Then shake it off.
Step 3: Pour a Second Shot. Turn on the shower. Contemplate what the hell you are doing. Then take the shot.
Step 4: Take your shower. Dry off. Pour Third Shot. Feel the warm alcohol soothe your empty stomach.
Step 5: Get dressed for your presentation. Pour 2 more shots. Wait for your friend to get there to take a shot with you and then walk to class. Est. wait time 15 mins.
Step 6: Friend says no to shot. Take both shots yourself. Pour one for the walk to class. Drink last shot just before stepping onto school property. Put shot glass in back pocket.
Step 7: Don’t talk to anybody. Take Breathe mint. Walk into class like normal. Don’t trip on the front row of desks.
Step 8: Go up to the front of the class when your group is called. Take your place. Try not to sway back and forth and don’t mention to your group how wasted you are in front of teacher.
Step 9: Try to give the presentation without slurring your words. Take questions. Yell at the “smart ass” girl in the front of the class who is asking the most ridiculous questions in the world because she actually read the book and listened to the presentation.
Step 10: Calmly answer any question your professor may have. Leave the class with an “A”!
I truly hope this is helpful to anyone who would need more information on: “How to do a Class Presentation… WASTED!”
Posted by The Captain on April 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm Filed under Funny
When to Start Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.. ‘You know what?’ says the 6 year old. ‘I think it’s about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ‘When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..’ The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ‘Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.’ WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ‘You can stay there until I let you out!’ She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’ I don’t know, he blubbers, ‘but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!’
Posted by The Captain on April 9, 2009 at 1:28 pm Filed under Funny, Uncategorized
WARNING!!
A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Don’t be naive enough think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times in February, 5 times in March, last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be very careful.
